So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
