Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
