I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
