Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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