ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
