I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
