First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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