Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
