If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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