I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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