If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
