There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
