Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
