Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
