Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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