Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it was like eating out sand paper
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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