I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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