You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize