He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
