So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
