he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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