I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
