I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
