I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
