Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
