I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
