They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
