overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
