Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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