mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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