I wish I could teleport
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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