When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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