Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
