My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
