where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My friends, they love my intelligence
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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