I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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