just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
