The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
