I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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