I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
