there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
