everyone is single if you try hard enough
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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