Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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