I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
