you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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