the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
