When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
