First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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