trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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