my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
