2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
