I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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