So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
