I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize