How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
