Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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