I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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