My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
