Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
