I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
