If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
