If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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