fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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