I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
