When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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