I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize